the mountain goats make music for people who spent their entire lives convinced they would die before they were 17 except now they’re 26 and they have a job and friends and hobbies and they’re not sure what they’re meant to do now that they’ve survived
“I don’t think that I accepted that I wasn’t gonna die young until I was 26 or 27. I really don’t think I fully…when I was 14, 15, 16, 17–I mean I knew as sure as I know that I am wearing green shoes that I was going to die before much happened. It was a certainty for me. And I had shaken off the directly suicidal urge by the time I was 21 or 22, but I still was pretty sure I was going to die pretty young, it really felt like an inevitability. It takes a long time to realize no, you’ve changed…if you shared those feelings with people at some point you go, ‘well, I guess we’re going to stick around.’ And it’s a funky thing to admit because there’s a part of your inner younger self that kind of judges you for that.”
ive made a couple posts about balerion and viserys before, and i got another one in the works in my drafts. like im obviously biased but theyre one of my favorite dragon-rider bonds, even though they were only together for a year.
jorah in the main series says at one point that targaryen dragons were bred for war, and in war they died. balerion being the last of the valyria-born dragons probably has this instinct better than most. he takes aegon i as his rider because aegon is a conqueror, and is going to use him for the purpose he was born for.
the aegon i -> maegor line i think is pretty easy to understand. just like aegon i, maegor is also a conqueror. balerion sees in him that same war-instinct that he saw in aegon i, that he himself has.
maegor -> aerea is where things start to shift. balerion is an old war machine, but his last two riders died outside of war and away from him. aegon i from a stroke, maegor was eaten by the iron throne. hes made his lair on his not-quite-home dragonstone, when this upset little girl who misses the excitement of her life at court climbs on his back and tells him to take her home. i think balerion was fairly homesick at this point and thought “*i* want to go home too.” so he takes them home. back to his home. except balerion doesnt know that his home as been destroyed while he was gone. he spends those years with aerea *searching* for anything, any sign that the valyria that he remembers is still there. but theres nothing. its doomed and filled with monsters now. aerea spends the whole time begging him to take her back home, back to her mother. its only after hes injured and aerea is deathly ill that hes forced to accept that this is no longer their home. theres nothing here for them anymore, they dont belong here anymore than he belongs in westeros. so balerion reluctantly takes aerea back. maybe theres something they can do to save her, or failing that, at least shell be able to die in her home even if he cant die in his. after this balerion becomes the first dragon chained in the dragonpit.
finally, aerea -> viserys. i think viserys felt fairly alienated from the rest of his family, as he was so different from any of the other men he was related to. but he was raised to idolize old valyria (or at least the targaryens version of it) and feels that if he can claim balerion, if the last living aspect of valyria accepted him, well that means theres *something* targaryen in him. balerion was the living god of the thing he was raised to worship. when alyssa wanted to claim balerion, the dragonkeepers dissuaded her by telling her hes old and slow now, and wouldnt she rather a younger more energetic mount? i wonder if they tried the same thing with viserys, but viserys wouldnt care about that. thats not why viserys wanted balerion. all viserys wanted was balerions acceptance. balerion is very old now, old and tired and in pain. hes a war machine that can no longer fight, a dragon that can barely fly. but hes still holding on. he cant die yet. viserys is very different from balerions other riders, and i think that was the point. balerion could tell viserys didnt want anything from him, other than *him*. so balerion accepted viserys as he was, and viserys accepts balerion as he is. balerion gives viserys his final flight and thats enough for him. more than that even, after their first and last flight viserys tells baelon he wanted to fly to dragonstone but was worried that balerion wouldnt survive the flight. he was *worried for balerion*, worried about *his* health and safety and comfort. when has he had another rider care about him like that? (when has any dragon tbh…) viserys doesnt want to put more on balerion than he can handle. whatever balerion can offer him is enough. all viserys wanted was his love, and he got that. so he loves and comforts balerion in his final days. balerion doesnt have a home anymore, but viserys gives him one inside himself. he loves balerion enough to let him go. to let balerion finally lay down and rest.
(sorry for the screenshot answer i accidentally posted it before i was done <3)
DAVID: There’s a great bit of writing, where Martha comes into the Tardis at the end of episode 13 and the Doctor tries to paper over the cracks. He says “we’ll go - there’s a - there’s a burst of starfire right now let’s go there or we’ll go back in time we’ll meet Agatha Christie let’s do stuff let’s go come on! He’s not facing the emotional truth -
MARTHA: Yeah can you put me through?
DAVID: And She says I can’t.
MARTHA: I just can’t.
DAVID: And all the Doctor says is okay.
THE DOCTOR: Okay.
DAVID: And he knows. Because of course he knows. ‘Cause he knows he’s not behaved that well to her as well, he knows he’s been thoughtless sometimes, and in that moment he accepts it. And yet, she saved his life, she saved the universe.
Guess my nanowrimo session today hit a spot i had repressed lmao
when people tell me that i need to actively be looking for love, I think they dont understand.
I’m 31 years old, and ive been loved ONCE and he loved a carefully crafter persona i created to be loved by him. but i grew up unloved for SO LOOONG. i saw people my own age enter and exit relationships like they were nothing. I’ve seen friends get married, divorced and married again. Ive been people being courted and wanted, coveted, cherished, loved, easily without reservation.
BUT I HAVEN’T
it feels awful feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. It fucking sucks that you’re not the object of desire of ANYONE in the whole wide world.
It feels really fucking lonely shouting at the void “someone? please? I’m here, im not perfect, but i have SOOO much love inside of me and i want to share it with someone. Please just give me a fucking chance to share it with someone”
growing up unloved fucks you up. it really does. It skews the way you see everything, the way you see yourself. you start digging deep into your psyche wondering what rotten part of yourself is so visible to others that you repel anyone and everyone. what’s wrong with me? what’s so completely and irreparably wrong with me that not a single human being a city of 5 million people can find worth loving?
“oh but you’re a great person! you’ll meet someone when you least expected!” “Love arrives when you stop looking for it!”
FUCK YOU. I’m 31 years old and i’ve only been loved once- and only a part of me.
